it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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