You're completely useless in the revolution.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
