happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
