Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I want to fling myself into the sun
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
