Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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