I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Randomize
