i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize