he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just pee around me
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
