You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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