i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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