This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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