I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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