Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
