She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
