You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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