apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I can't turn off my feet"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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