need another drink. this is the easiest way
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
