The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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