I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
