I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
