i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
