What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
