my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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