She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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