come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
