I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
