Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
