Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I still have a little drunk in my system
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
