A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
