Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
