there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
