I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
