awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
