I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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