She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
