So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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