like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
