Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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