You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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