none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
