I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
