The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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