You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
