Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
