I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
