I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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