I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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