Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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