I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
