Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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