oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
