I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
