now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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