I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
