you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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