And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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