Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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