i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
