i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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