i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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