i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
