apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize