She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
